Brian’s See-crud --- Why He’s NOT Boring!

It all started one morning in the kitchen.  As you know, most things at Crabapple Farm start in the kitchen.  Our kitchen is bright and sunny and always smells good, so we all tend to hang out in there. 

Daddy had already left for work, Mart and Moms had gone early, but luckily Moms had left some yummy breakfast.  Brian and I were sitting at the table eating when Trixie rushed down the stairs, red-faced.

Now, Trixie’s mad a lot.  In fact, Daddy said something about her horror-mones last night.  But this was the most upset I had seen her in a long time. 

“What’s wrong, Trixie?” Brian asked.  Brian always worries about us, so I wasn’t surprised to hear him ask her that question.

“Where the he… heck is Mart?”  I could tell that she was trying not to say bad words around me.  I don’t know why, I’ve heard a lot of bad words and know what they mean.  I’m not a baby after all.

“He goed to a doctor’s ‘pointment with Mommy,” I answered.

“He’s going to need a doctor because I’m going to kill him!” Trixie shouted.

Brian rolled his eyes at me.  “You always say that, Trixie.  What did he do this time?”

“He put baby powder in my hair dryer, so it blew all over me when I turned it on,” she said. 

She glared at me when I snorted milk through my nose, trying not to laugh.

“It’s not funny.  I had to take another shower and now I’m running late.  He’s really dead meat this time.”

Brian did a better job than me at not laughing.  He even managed an understanding look. “That’s not right, Trixie.  He shouldn’t have done that.”

“Tell him that!” Trixie grab a plate and started shoving scrambled eggs into her mouth.

“Hey, was your hair all white, Trix? I bet you looked like a little old lady,” I said. 

Trixie scowled at me. “Yeah, I looked just like Mrs. Vanderpoel,” she said. “I bet he’s just laughing his butt off.”

“You shouldn’t give him the pleasure, Trixie,” Brian said as he took his plate to the sink.  “Just pretend like it never happened.  You know he’s just doing it to get a reaction out of you.” 

“I’ll give him a reaction,” Trixie muttered.  “I bet he’d get in trouble if I told Moms.”

“Well, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he got me… or got to me,” Brian said.

I’ve got to admit it, Brian sure is smart.  Not just book smart, like Mart, but he’s also really good at knowing people.  That’s going to make him a great doctor some day.

“Maybe you’re right, Brian,” she said.  “Come on, small fry, let’s get you on the bus.”

She meant me.  They always call me things like that, small fry, short stuff, whippersnapper, little terror, etc.  It stinks being the youngest.

Talk about stinking, I waited until I had climbed into the relative safety of the bus and, turning around right before the doors shut, called out, “Guess what, Trixie?  You smell like a baby’s butt.”

That day at school, I wondered if Trixie had let Mart know that he had gotten her with his trick.  I told Larry and Terry about it and they can’t wait to try it on Diana.  We even got in trouble during naptime for laughing and disrupting the rest of the class.

I had to wait until the big kids got home from school before I could find out if anyone said anything.  I was just finishing coloring when Mart came through the door.

I looked carefully at his face to see, but he wasn’t giving anything away.  He’s always been good at looking innocent, I’ve learned so much by watching Mart.

He grabbed a snack from Moms and sat down out the table.

“Why are you coloring the caterpillar in purple, short stuff?”  Mart asked with his mouth full of a crabapple special.

“It’s not purple, Mart, it’s a labbender calerpitter,” I told him.

“Actually, it’s lav- vender,” he said, acting all smart.  “And it’s a cat-ter-pill-lar.” 

I repeated the right way to say the word, although I liked calerpitter better.

Moms smiled at me as she ruffled my hair.  “I think calerpitter is cute. You also had your own pronunciation, Mart.  You said paterkiller when you were Bobby’s age.”

“Oh, so he wasn’t born with a dictionary in his mouth, huh, Moms?”  Trixie said as she and Brian came through the door.  Again, I was watching closely --- for clues --- to see if Trixie and Mart had fought or not.

Mart gave her a look, which she returned.  That didn’t tell me anything since they always do that.  After that, everything seemed normal. They did their homework, had dinner, got ready for bed, and everything.   It looked like Trixie had taken Brian’s advice and not said anything to Mart.  I bet he was really disappointed.

The next day seemed to go more smoothly.  At least in the morning, Trixie was able to get ready to go to school with only one shower.

That night for dinner, we had my favorite, macaroni and cheese with mushrooms.  I was so happy from the yummy food, I decided to be nice. 

“I’ll holp clear the dishes,” I said, earning a proud smile from Moms.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, he’ll probably drop them,” Trixie said.

“I won’t mind if he breaks some,” Mart stated.  “That’ll give me fewer dishes to wash.”

Brian started to help clear the table as well. “These are the non-breakable ones, Mart, so you’re out of luck.”

Brian, Mart, and I took the first stack of dishes into the kitchen.  Brian and I put our plates on the counter and turned to head back to the dining room as Mart started organizing all the dishes for washing. 

When he went to fill up the sink, his sudden yelp of shock made Brian and I spin around to see what was wrong.  Water was spurting out of the spray nozzle, even though the hose hadn’t been taken out.

Mart quickly shut off the water, but he was already dripping a puddle on the floor. 

“What the hell?” Mart asked.  He didn’t even bother to not curse in front of me.

Brian also walked over.  “Now how did you manage that?” he asked with a snicker.

“I didn’t manage to do anything,” Mart complained.  “Someone put a rubber band around the trigger and aimed the stupid nozzle right at whoever turned on the water.”  He turned to glare at me.   

“Not me!” I said. 

“I’m gonna kill Trixie!” Mart said, reminding me of Trixie.  It is easy to see why people think that Mart and Trixie are twins.

“You’re not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing she got you, are you?” Brian asked calmly.  “If I were you, I’d act like nothing happened.  It’ll drive her nuts wondering if you got soaked or not.”

“She just needs to look at my shirt to see that she got me.” 

“Well, run upstairs and change shirts.  After all, you have about ten blue T-shirts.  They all look the same,” Brian suggested.

As Mart ran upstairs, I turned to Brian.  “I betted Trixie did that to get back at Mart for the baby powder.”

Brian nodded. “Yes, she probably did.”  He crouched down so that he could look at me eye to eye.  “But she shouldn’t have done that though.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“You’re right, Brian,” I said.  “But it was funny seeing Mart get all wet.”

Brian flashed a quick grin as he straightened.  “Yes, it was, but it wouldn’t be nice of us to tell Trixie how funny it was.”

Mart ran back downstairs wearing a new shirt.  He carefully removed the rubber band and started filling up the sink. 

“What’s the hold-up?” Trixie said as she nudged open the door from the dining room.  “How come I had to finish clearing the table?  It’s not my turn.”

“We just got involved in man talk, squaw.  To which you’re not invited,” Mart declared as he turned off the water.  I saw that Trixie gave him a suspicious look, but other than that, she didn’t give anything away.

The rest of the night passed uneventfully.  Trixie did spend some time on the phone, giggling and talking, but again, that happens all the time.

Nothing happened the next day either other than the fact that Diana woke up her brothers by aiming her blow dryer at them.  A blow dryer full of baby powder.  Turns out that dumb old Trixie had told Diana about the trick, and Diana was prepared.  Larry and Terry weren’t too happy with me, but how was I supposed to know?

Two more days passed by.  On Friday, Trixie, Mart and Brian spent the night at the Wheeler’s house with the rest of the Bob-Whites.

Brian and Mart came home earlier than Trixie because we menfolk had to repair the chicken coop.  I got to help by passing them the nails and hammers.  Mart got silly and pretended to be a surgeon, calling out what he needed and waiting until I repeated it before he took it from me. 

When Trixie came home, she gave Mart a mean look, but he missed it.  Brian and I did not. 

Brian went over to talk to her and I was on his heels.

“What’s up, Trixie?” he asked quietly.

“He got me again,” she said with another angry look Mart’s way.  “With the oldest trick in the book, too.  He replaced the sugar with the salt.  He totally ruined my oatmeal.”

Brian tried not to laugh, but couldn’t quite stop himself.  “Isn’t that what Ben did to Honey?”

Trixie nodded.  “Yes, but at least I wasn’t forced to eat the nasty salty oatmeal like Honey had to.  I still can’t believe how immature he was.”

Brian looked over at Mart.  “Well, it was pretty immature.  But again, Trix, I wouldn’t acknowledge anything.  I’m sure that’ll frustrate the heck out him, wondering if anyone fell for it.”

Trixie scowled, but once again agreed with Brian and headed into the house.

Later that night, Moms and Dad went out on a date.  At least, they kept calling it a date, but they’re married!  Married people shouldn’t go out on dates.

Trixie and Honey had dinner at Diana’s.  I was supposed to go too, but Larry and Terry ended up getting in trouble for putting baby powder in their mother’s blow dryer and were being punished.  That meant that I had to stay home.  Which isn’t fair since I didn’t do anything.

So I got to crash boy’s night at Crabapple Farm instead since Dan and Jim were coming over for dinner.  Mart said something about how we were trying to cheer up Dan.  Evidently some girl had broken his heart, and we were supposed to take his mind of his troubles. 

“Come and get it,” Jim said, setting the hamburgers down on the table.  Everyone raced for a chair and the feeding frenzy began.

For a while it was quiet as everyone filled their mouths.  Trixie likes to say that the only time Mart is quiet is when he’s eating.  She’s right.

“Crap!”  Mart cried out as the lid of salt shaker fell into his potato salad when he tried to add some salt.  He brushed at the mound of salt topping his potato salad.  “Now it’s ruined.”

I joined in the laughter with the rest of the boys.  Mart really did look upset, especially when he realized that there wasn’t any more potato salad left.

“Hey, forget it!” Dan said when he saw Mart eyeing his plate.  “Moms’ potato salad is golden, I’m not sacrificing any of mine.  You get to have this all the time.”

“This is all Trixie’s fault,” Mart complained.

Jim raised an eyebrow.  “How is this Trix’s fault?  She’s not even here.”  I was sitting next to Jim, so I was able to hear him mutter under his breath “unfortunately.”

“She removed the stupid lid off the stupid salt shaker,” Mart said.

“What makes you think she did it?”  Dan asked. “There are other suspects that should be considered.”  He looked in my direction.

“This isn’t my fault!”  I yelled. “I bet Mart’s right, Trixie probably did do it.  Cause she…”

Brian raised up his hand for quiet.  "Look, you might be right about Trixie, but seriously, don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she got you.  After all, we might have noticed the lid was loose and fixed it before we tried to use it.  So I wouldn’t mention it to her at all.  In fact, I don’t think any of us should mention in.”

“Hmmm… that’s probably a good idea.  After all, she’s just trying to get your goat, Mart,” Dan said as he slowly and pointedly ate his potato salad.  “Too bad that she ruined your salad, cause I think Mrs. B outdid herself this time.”   Again, he slowly forked a bite of the salad into his mouth, licking off the fork and rubbing his belly.

“Jerk.”  Mart said, scowling at Dan.  “No wonder she broke up with you.”

Dan frowned but quickly recovered.  “Hey, as is, I’m too young to commit to one woman, regardless of how much of a hottie she is or how much I respect her as a person. And at least I’ve been brave enough to actually have a girlfriend.  Can’t say that about you three chickens.”

That shut up Jim, Brian, and Mart for a bit.  Jim and Brian carefully managed to avoid looking at each other.  I don’t know why they do that.  Everyone else knows that Brian likes Jim’s sister and Jim likes our sister, although I don’t know why.  I mean, Trixie’s my sister.

We spent the rest of the night playing board games and watching movies.  It was a lot of fun spending time with the big boys.  When Trixie came home, Mart didn’t mention anything about the salt shaker, but he did sneak a couple of glares her way.

The next morning, I found Moms and Daddy slow dancing together in the middle of the kitchen.  I guess they must have had a good date the night before cause they were both smiling a lot.

“Good morning, Bobby, you’re up early,” Daddy said as he poured himself some coffee and shut off the radio.  “Did you boys have a good time last night?”

“Yup, we had lots and lots of fun.  And the food was yummy.  ‘Specially the potato salad.”  I laughed as I remembered what had happened to Mart’s potato salad.  “Mart didn’t have as good a time though.”

“Why is that?” Moms asked.  She was pulling out food out of the refrigerator, getting ready to start breakfast.

“Oh, Trix pulled a joke on him.  She tooked off the lid from the salt shaker so when he goed to put the salt on the potato salad, it goed all over his food.  He sure was mad.”

Moms looked surprised.  “How does he know that Trixie did that?  She doesn’t usually play pranks like that.”

“Well, I thinked she was getting revenge.  Cause you know revenge is saccharine sweet.  But I guess this time it’s saccharine salty instead.”

I laughed at my joke, but Moms didn’t even smile.  “Why was Trixie getting revenge?”

“To get back at Mart because he played a prank on her before.  Although Mart was just playing a joke on her to get back at her playing a joke on him, although she was just playing a joke on Mart to get back at him for playing a joke on her.”

Daddy looked at Moms. “Did you understand that one?” 

“Oh, I’m afraid I do,” Moms said as she handed me a glass of orange juice. “Have either of them accused each other of playing these jokes?”

“No, they’re not ‘sposed to ‘knowledge the jokes,” I said after finishing a slurp of the juice.

  “Why is that?” Moms asked.

“Cause Brian tolded them not to.  Cause if Mart ‘knowledges the joke, then he lets Trixie know she gotted him.  Same with Trixie.”

“Knowledge?”  Daddy asked, raising his eyebrow at Moms.

“Acknowledge,” she said, waving her hand at Daddy in a shushing motion. “What other jokes have been played?”

 “Well, Mart putted baby powder in Trixie’s blow dryer before he went on his doctor’s ‘pointment and it blowed all over her.  So Trixie put a bubber rand round the water squirter thingy when it was Mart’s turn to the dishes and he got lots and lots of water squirted at him.  It was funny,” I said, giggling. “Oh, and Mart putted salt in the sugar bowl at the Wheeler’s house which meant Trixie putted salt in her oatmeal.”

“But they’ve never admitted that they been playing these jokes?”

“Nope,” I said, wondering why Moms asked that.

“Isn’t that interesting?” Moms said, as she watched Brian walk down the stairs.  Trixie and Mart were right behind him, arguing about whose turn it was to feed the chickens.

“Peter, why don’t you take Trixie, Mart, and Bobby outside and all of you can feed the chickens and collect the eggs.  Fill up the water bottles as well, please.”

“Umm… I gots to go the bathroom… and then I don’t wanna miss Sesame Street,” I said.  I could tell that something was up.  Obviously Brian was in trouble… and Brian’s never in trouble.

“Fine, why don’t you go do that then?” Moms said without taking her eyes off of Brian.  Trixie and Mart followed Daddy outdoors, still arguing all the way.

I went upstairs towards the bathroom, but then quickly ran down the hall to the front stairs and towards the living room.  I crept up to the dining room door and tried to listen. 

“So, I understand that Trixie and Mart have been playing jokes on each other again,” Moms said.

“Oh, Bobby told you about that?” Brian laughed nervously.

“Yes, he did.  He also mentioned that you’ve been advising them not to acknowledge to the other that they had a joke played on them?”

I slowly opened the door a bit.  I could barely see Brian’s face, but what I could see looked embarrassed.

          “Umm… well, of course not.  After all, you know most people just play jokes for the attention they get.  That’s why Ben used to do it.  Although lately he’s been much better…”

          “Stop trying to change the subject, Brian Peter Belden.  Please tell me that you’re not up to it again.”

          “Ummm… up to what, Moms?”  Brian appeared to be staring at his shoes.

          “What would happen if I went to Mart and Trixie and asked each of them if they had been playing jokes on each other?”

          “Well, of course they’d deny it, Moms.  They wouldn’t want to get in trouble.”

          I nodded from where I was listening.  That made perfect sense to me.  I never like to tell Moms or Daddy when I do something bad.  But I also always feel guilty when I don’t tell them stuff too.  You’re not supposed to lie.

          “Brian…”  Moms said, getting that tone to her voice that warns me I’m about to get into trouble.

          “Umm… yes, Moms?”

          “Have you been playing these jokes?”

          I was completely surprised when Moms asked Brian that question.  Why would she ask that?  I’m sure Brian would never have played jokes like…

          “OK, yes, I have, but they deserved it this time.  They put a sign on my back that said ‘Boring Brian’ right before we went up to the Manor House for a picnic.  And then when I accused them of doing it, they both just laughed.  Then Trixie said I wouldn’t do anything to get them back anyway since I am so boring.  And she said this in front of Honey, Moms!”

          Moms sighed.  “Brian, I’m sure it was annoying to have her say that in front of Honey, but trust me, Honey doesn’t think you’re boring.”

          I looked at Brian and he was blushing again.

          “But I really wish you wouldn’t do things like this,” she added.  “We’ve got enough animosity between those two now, without you adding to it.”

          “I’m sorry, Moms.  But those two just manage to annoy me so much, and I always have to be the responsible big brother.”

          “I know, and sometimes it worries me to see you grow up so quickly.”  Moms sighed again.  “Look, why don’t we just let this be our secret?  But young man, don’t think you’re getting off scott free.  Consider yourself on restriction.  You aren’t allowed to go out for the next four weeks.  So that Trixie and Mart don’t figure out what’s going on, just claim that you’re too busy with applying for colleges or something.”

          Brian nodded.  And then I heard the words that I hate to hear. 

          “Robert Andrew Belden, come here right now,” Moms said from the kitchen.

          I slowly walked in… it was my turn to get into trouble. 

          “Young man, were you listening at the door?”

          Like I said, I hate to lie, so I told the truth and nodded my head.

          “Great, another eavesdropper in the family,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.

          “I did heared what you said to Brian, and I was ‘sprised to hear that Brian did the jokes on Mart and Trixie.  I’d never ‘spect Brian of doing stuff like that!”

          Moms sighed and sat down in a chair.  “Well, sometimes Brian Belden can be really surprising.  But what he did was really really wrong, Bobby.  And he knows that now and is getting punished for it, okay?   So promise me you won’t do anything like that.”

          “’K, Moms, I promise.  But can you ‘splain one thing to me?”

          “Depends on what it is.”

          “Why did you told him not to do this again?  He did this before?”

          Moms laughed a little and settled into the chair.  “Okay, Bobby, I’ll tell you this, but it has to be our secret.  Because we don’t need Mart and Trixie trying to get revenge on Brian, okay?”

          “K.   It’ll be our see-crud.”

          Mommy smiled.  “See, when Brian was ten years old and you were born, he took one look at you with your blond curly hair and blue eyes and realized that he was going to be totally outnumbered.  Mart and Trixie were already terrorizing him whenever the three of them were arguing, and they’d often gang up on him and play jokes on him.  So he was worried that when you got older, you’d side with them.  He decided to prevent Mart and Trixie from ganging up against him by getting them to focus on each other and started playing jokes on each of them, setting things up to look like Mart was playing jokes on Trixie or Trixie was playing jokes on Mart.”

          “Just like he didded this time!” I said.

           “Yes, just like I did this time,” Brian said, sighing and sitting down next to Moms. “And it worked too well last time.  They sure didn’t gang up on me, instead, it turned into a six-year war.  I can’t even tell you how sorry I am for doing that.  And it was wrong, Bobby.  I shouldn’t have done it at all.  Then or now.”

          “No, you shouldn’t have, Brian,” Moms said as she started making breakfast.  “But let’s just end it all now and hopefully things will settle down. Why don’t you go out now and tell the others that breakfast will be ready in ten minutes and help them finish?”

          Brian quickly went out to the chicken coop.

          “Moms?” I asked, waiting until she turned from the stove. “Can you and me have one more see-crud?”

          Moms raised her eyebrows, but nodded her agreement.

          “It was me that putted that sign on Brian.”

Authors’ notes:  Thank you, thank you, thank you to Jenn for her edits on this story.   I’m trying to get all the see-cruds done by Tuesday so that AprilW can post on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so I had to rush her on her wonderful editing.  As always, I totally appreciate your wonderful work.  And since I know everyone is going to love the horror-mone comment, that was Jenn's brilliance. :)

Thank you also to:  Okay, deep breath:   AprilW, Misty, Dana, Pat (Amygirl), claire, Susi, Deanna (cestmoi1), El_, BethAnn, PatK, Mary, Wendy (scarlett), Tammy, Dani, McRuth, Cathy, tonnieb, Aleta, Anna, Julie G (macjest), Diana, Trish (PBahr), Malficient, and Julie (jme13).  Oh yeah, this is the see-crud that garnered the most money isn’t?  I hope it was worth it.

Thank you also to Dani for Dan's "hottie yet respect as a person line" which I've had the pleasure of using in this and Dan's story.  And thanks to SJaye, who was, of course, the woman Dan's trying to get over. (Is that an acceptable time to end a sentence with a preposition?)   :)

Thank you also to Misty and Mary for counting all the individual $1.00 or $2.00 donations, or in tonnieb's case, a buck! 

And I still have to thank Cathy for the pleasure of being a member, an author, and a moderator at Jix.

Oh, and I'm sorry for forgetting whom I have to thank for this.  My nieces say the word "calerpitter" and someone said that her child said "paterkiller."  This was about the time I was originally writing this story (it's the first I wrote) and had to include that.

And now, I believe we were at the K's in the Jix members alphabet.  Yes, Bobby is naming all of the active members (posts within 6 months).  Please forgive him if he does skip your name, after all, he's only a six-year-old boy.  And Mark... he already said your name in his first story about Mart and Diana. :)

Oh, is it my turn?  Finally!  And people complain that I talked too much.  Anyway, thank you first to Moms, Daddy, Brian, Mart, and Trixie for the parts they didded in this story.  Thanks also to Larry and Terry.   And I'm sorry about how much trouble you gots in for that baby powder trick.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me... anyone who attempts any of these tricks listed above, this author disclaims any knowledge of where they ever got the idea. 

And talking about disclaimers: Thanks also to Random House.  I want to particularly emphasize that these characters do belong to Random House and no profit is being made by using these characters.  100% of any money raised is being sent to the American Red Cross with the rest of the money raised by the absolute fabulous Jix members. 

Hey!  It was my turn!

Sorry.